| I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. |
| They've killed Superman; let's get 'em !!
- mob member, Superman II
|
| Happiness lies in our destiny like a cloudless sky before the storms
of tomorrow destroy the dreams of yesterday and last week.
- Linus Van Pelt
|
| "Who are you & how'd you get in here?"
"I'm the locksmith & I'm the locksmith." - Police Squad
|
| Without those computers, it could be a beaker full of death!
- Spock, "Miri", Star Trek
|
| I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. |
| To a four-year-old with a hammer, the world is a nail. |
| No matter where you go, there you are! |
| All that glitters has a high refractive index. |
| We live in an age when pizza gets to our house faster than the police. |
| There's nothing a good agnostic can't do if he doesn't know whether
he believes in it or not.
- Monty Python
|
| Try not! Do. Or do not. There is no try!
- Yoda
|
| Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date Saturday night.
- Monty Python
|
| A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.
- Monty Python
|
| No more TLA's !
(three letter acronyms)
|
| Any sufficiently advance science is indistinguishable from magic. |
| Where are you going to look for his brain??!! What are you gonna'
do with his brain if you find it??!!
- McCoy, "Spock's Brain", Star Trek
|
| You may now give birth.
- Worf, Star Trek:TNG
|
| Spock...
Captain! BONES!! Spock... Jim. - Kirk, McCoy, & Spock, ST:The Motion Picture
|
| Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
- Ford Prefect, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
|
| C'est la vie, c'est la guerre, c'est la pomme du terre.
(That's life, that's war, that's potato.)
|
| We gladly feast on those who would be our subduers.
- The Addams family credo
|
| They plan to destroy the [space] center with a nuclear golf ball.
- The Chief, Get Smart
|
| The best thing about morning is that it's over by the afternoon. |
| I'd like to change your mind by hitting it with a rock.
- "Whistling in the Dark", They Might Be Giants
|
| Muzak is like giving your favorite song a lobotomy.
- "Doris"
|
| I think we should tax all foreigners living abroad.
- Monty Python
|
| A man with a watch always knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never quite sure. |
| It's never too soon to start early.
- Sam, "Quantum Leap"
|
| I always keep a bottle of spirits handy in case I happen to see a snake,
which I also keep handy.
- W.C. Fields
|
| I think I would be better with money if I just had more of it. |
| If not completely satisfied, return the unused portion of our product and we'll return the unused portion of your money ! |
| Every once in a while, push your luck. |
| Behind every successful man is an amazed mother-in-law.
- Gallagher
|
| Felicitus est parvus canis calidas.
(Happiness is a warm puppy.)
- Lucy van Pelt |
| Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless gas that, given enough time, becomes people. |
| The secret to happiness is to own both a convertible and a lake.
When it's sunny, you can drive your convertible and when it's raining,
it's filling up your lake!
- Charlie Brown
|
| All we are, really, is monkeys with car keys.
- "Grandma Woody", Northern Exposure
|
| Battleships confide in me and tell me where you are.
- "Yours Is No Disgrace", Yes
|
| Progress has its drawbacks: you can't warm your feet on a microwave. |
| The higher, the fewer.
- Holodeck entity, ST:TNG
|
| If the world is getting smaller, why do the postal rates keep going up ? |
| Never question yourself out of a good story.
- Editor, Weekly World News
|
| You can observe a lot by just watching. |
| Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to? |
| Gentlemen! You can't fight in here! This is the War Room!
- The President, Dr. Strangelove
|
| Locks are to keep honest people out. |
| I'd like to exercise, but it's such a long walk over to the other building...
- Me
|
| A majority of people who are wrong, are still wrong. |
| Those mercenaries are relentless ! I've got to get to my arm
!
- The Mutilator, Hero of the Wasteland
|
| Most problems precisely defined are already partially solved.
- Harry Lorayne
|
| The truth is the truth.
- The alien, Enemy Mine
|
| 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0000000. |
| The taste of Heaven come to Earth.
- Taco Bell commercial
|
| Since before your star burned hot in space, and before your race was
born, I have awaited a question !
- The Guardian of Forever, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
Star Trek
|
| You can't run from trouble - ain't no place that far away.
- Brer Frog
|
| It doesn't matter if the water is cold or warm if you're going to have
to wade through it anyway.
- Teilhard de Chardin
|
| He had the same obsequious manner that was the reason I had him killed.
- "Turn Around", They Might Be Giants
|
| No civilized person ever goes to bed the same day he gets up. |
| Mr. President! We cannot allow a mine shaft gap!
- Gen. Turgison, Dr. Strangelove
|
| History should be recognized as the outcome of human action, not of
human design.
- Adam Ferguson, Scottish philosopher
|
| Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. |
| At the end of the day, all money gets you is a better place to watch
TV.
- Dana Carvey, dismissing big bucks as a motive for doing
a Wayne's World sequel.
|
| If the auto industry had done what the computer industry has done in the past 30 years, a Rolls Royce would cost $2.50 and would get 2,000,000 miles per gallon. |
| Men make plans; God laughs. |
| It's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around.
- "Dogs", Pink Floyd
|
| Perhaps there is a correlation between humor and sex. The need
for more investigation is clearly indicated.
- Data, "Data's Day", Star Trek:TNG
|
| To put it simply, we're omnipotent.
- Q, "True Q", ST:TNG
|
| It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. |
| A day without sunshine is like ... night ! |
| King Arthur: Good idea, oh Lord !
God: 'COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA ! - Monty Python
|
| Remember to live each day as if it were your last because one day you'll be right. |
| In unanimity there is cowardice and uncritical thinking. |
| Many are cold, but few are frozen. |
| Imagination is more important than knowledge.
- Albert Einstein
|
| It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. |
| Words must be weighed, not counted. |
| Ah, an open mind: the essence of intellect.
- Garek, "Post Prologue", ST:DS9
|
| Good food is followed by good talk. Since the beginning, it's
always been that way with human beings.
- One Who Waits, Northern Exposure
|
| Every time I see a lesbian, I think she's looking at me and thinking,
"THAT'S why I'm not a heterosexual."
- George, Seinfeld
|
| What can you expect of a day that begins with getting up in the morning? |
| If trends continue, by 2034, everyone on Earth will be a lawyer.
- Oliver, Outland
|
| Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. |
| Obviously crime pays because if it didn't, there would be no crime. |
| We don't KNOW that smoking is making these people sick ... it could
be air pollution ...
- Head of the R.J.Reynolds Health Department
|
| Never test for errors you can't handle. |
| Sanity is not statistical.
- Winston Smith, "1984"
|
| When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.
- Robert Anthony
|
High hostility is simply part of being male and part of being older.
|
| Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. |
| Indecision is the basis of flexibility. |
| In this world, not everyone with a long knife is a cook.
- Russian proverb
|
| It is a bad plan that admits of no modification.
- Publilius Syrus
|
| Don't go out of your way to hurt anybody. |
| It is better to debate a question without settling it than to settle
a question without debating it.
- Joseph Joubert
|
| Spare me your egotistical musings on your pivotal role in history!
Nothing you do here will cause the Federation to fall or the galaxy to
explode! To put it simply, you're not that important!
- Q, "Tapestry", ST:TNG
|
| That's not a computer! That's my arch-enemy!
- O'Brien, "The Forsaken", ST:Deep Space 9
|
| Ooh, if I were only a 10 foot mouse, I'd show her!
- Bianca, The Rescuers
|
| Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker, it's accountancy
that makes the world go 'round!
- The Money Song, Python
|
| I don't want the whole world, just your part of it ! |
| No one has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the
American public.
- P. T. Barnum
|
| To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority
myself.
- Albert Einstein
|
| Black holes ain't so black.
- Stephen Hawking, physicist
|
| [Our dishes] aren't stole! They're hidden in the cupboard!
- Happy, Snow White & the 7 Dwarves
|
| The purpose of diplomats and bureaucrats is to prolong a crisis.
- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", ST
|
| "We certainly seem to be paying our employees a lot of money..."
"You can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer!" - Trading Places
|
| Thou com'st in such a questionable shape that I will speak to thee...
- Hamlet, Act I, Scene 4
|
| I answer as simply as your level of understanding makes possible.
- The Guardian of Forever, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
ST
|
| A motion to adjourn is always in order. |
| A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. |
| A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. |
| If God had intended us to use the FAT file system, He would've given
us 8 fingers and 3 thumbs.
- Ed Bott, PC Computing
|
| I am ready to irradiate your existing brain cells.
- Data, "Descent", ST:TNG
|
| I see you are speechless. A fine quality for a wife!
- Jafar, "Aladdin"
|
| Life is full of little surprises, and you are one of them. |
| He's the best little dish washer in Texas.
- Barbara Bush on how life is with George now that he's
no longer president.
|
| This space for rent. |
| These are the forces that drive the hand that drink TREADMILL! The mighty lager, with the world's first great taste of fish! |
| Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. |
| I say ! You say ! We say ! Saturn, Saturn, Saturn
! RAH !
- Saturn "launch" cheer as you get in to drive away in
your new car (cheered by EVERY available Saturn employee)
|
| You are a polymorphously perverse individual. |
| He flipped me off, I HAD to shoot him!
- 12 yr old boy refering to his 15 yr old brother.
Actually only shot the shed next to his brother with the BB rifle.
|
| If you've ever wanted to see miles and miles of hot rot, come here,
to the Florida Everglades.
- James Burke, "Connections"
|
| I want to know: Who's carrying the other 3 parts of my brain?
- Trent, "Demon With A Glass Hand", The Outer Limits
|
| You're gonna' snug up to your fiber optics and bliss out!
- Chris, Northern Exposure |
| Another coupla' years, another million dollars, I'll replace his butt
with a robot!
- Julian, head engineer, Viper
|
| I NEED CATS LIKE I NEED BUTT IMPLANTS!!!
- Opus, A Wish For Wings That Work
|
| Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. |
| Obviously, the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. |
| Nothing makes a person more productive that the last minute. |
| Once we got to the summit, the goal was to find a place to jump off.
- (BASE diver, jumps off Buildings, Antennas,
Spans,
Earth
formations, ...)
|
| OH NO! Instead of people burning in Hell, now we're MONKEYS burning in Hell! |
| All my stuff compiled, should I just check all of these files in? |
| We are geographically located right here.
- "CB"
"The Reflexive Property of Location" - "Qwibnar" |
| Everybody loves you, Fred. Uh, except, of course, this lynch
mob.
- Barney, The Flintstones movie
|
| When I answer you, I'm being serious, too, unless I'm joking.
- "Bilbo"
|
| There's nothing worse than a lawyer with time on his hands.
- "OneWolf"
|
| There are no major actors or bit players in life.
- "CB"
|
| Your argument is specious; changing you will not result in the termination
of all corporeal existance.
- A Prophet as Cisco to Quark,"Prophet Motive",ST:DS9
|
| Einstein was very, very smart, but not enough not to be dead.
- Don't Go Into Politics, The Arrogant Worms
|
| That will put the manager in the red, and that's not a very popular
event at Seagate.
- Head of HR for Seagate U.S.
|
| I tried to keep my cool, but the ringing phone kept taunting me.
- Older Pete, "The Ringing Phone", The Adventures of Pete
and Pete
|
| Either I forgot my medication or you're a nosy giant talking toothbrush.
- toothbrush radio commercial
|
| The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures
of people having sex with dogs.
-Time Magazine, 3 July 1995
|
| If I were to discriminate against the stupid or the feeble-minded,
I perhaps wouldn't have too many clients.
- insurance broker on selling policies for alien abduction
|
| Every mission statement ever written can be summarized in four words:
"All babies must eat."
- Chris Rock
|
| People who read tabloids, deserve to be lied to.
- Jerry Seinfeld
|
| It's a good thing we're not allowed to come to the office naked, because if we were, where would we clip our badges? Wherever it was, I think it would hurt a lot. |
| One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. |
| If I ever do have an archenemy, it's not going to be
some creepy kid with a glass head!
- The Tick
|
| "Why does British food suck?"
"Well, we had an Empire to run!" - John Cleese answering the host of "The Daily Show" on
Comedy Central
|
| Taco Bell's not going to have the cut off horse's head for kids to
buy. We hope!
- movie industry analyst on the merchandising opportunities
for the re-release of The Godfather as compared to the re-release of the
Star Wars trilogy.
|
| I DON'T LIKE SPAM!!!!!! |
| READ A BOOK!
- Mr. Handy, The Tick
|
| If you want me to know something, TELL ME! |
| Maybe it's in the basement; I'll run upstairs and check.
- M. C. Escher
|
| Here's a clue: if he jumps up and kicks you in the stomach, he's
probably not the real Santa!!!
- Der Fleidermous, "The Tick Loves Santa", The Tick
|
| Apointy birds, apointy-pointy, anoint my head, anointy-nointy.
- Steve Martin, The Man with Two Brains
|
| Parole Board Member: "You're not just telling us what we want
to hear, are you Hi?"
H.I.: "No, sir, I'm not." PBM: "'Cause we just want the truth." H.I.: "Well, then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear." - H.I. meets with his parole board, Raising Arizona
|
| "OH MY GOD! There's nothing wrong with any of us!"
- John Lithgow's character, 3rd Rock from the Sun
|
| Robin Hood: "And how long have you been a robber?"
Robber: "4 foot 2" RH: "Four foot two?! My goodness! That is a long time, isn't it?" - John Cleese as Robin Hood in Time Bandits
|
| The future will not be like Star Trek
- Prediction #7, The Dilbert Future
|
| If everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. |
| I wish the TV had a way to raise the intelligence. There's a "brightness" knob, but that doesn't seem to work. |
| Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. |
| Although we cannot be entirely certain, we are reasonably confident
that all of our employees are from the planet Earth.
- Dupont Corp., in response to accusasions that some of
their product and patent ideas were given to them by "Roswell aliens".
|
| ROOF PIG!! ...highly unexpected...
- The Tick, "Heroes", The Tick
|
| Reckless Driving -- You'd think that would be a good thing. |
| The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. |
| My motto is: Do it my way or WATCH YOUR BUTT!
- Nathan Arizona,"Raising Arizona"
|
| The best evidence that time travel will never be possible is that we
have not been invaded by hordes of tourists from the future.
- Stephen Hawking
|
| Two Wrights make an airplane. |
| We hired a lot of people, set off a lot of atom bombs, and did a lot
of experimental things.
- Harold "Doc" Edgerton on the founding of his company,
EG&G
|
| It's never too late to be really, really late. |
| A fish, a barrel, and a smoking gun... |
| Basically, it has all of the romance of an abandoned cement plant.
- David Gump, President of LunaCorp, responding to views
that the moon should be left alone as a shrine and that companies should
not be allowed to setup businesses there.
|
| What's the point if the fish can't pull you in and eat you?
- "OneWolf"
|
| Somehow, a cognitive agent needs to know what to think about without
first having to think about what to think about.
- "the frame problem", stated "simply" in The Metaphysics
of Star Trek, by Richard Hanley
|
| If you drink, don't park - accidents cause people. |
| Want me to reset your puppy?
- As I said this to my daughter, I realized that I was
finally living in "The Future" that I had been waiting for since I was
a child.
|
| A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. |
| Most humanoids have the potential to be irrational. Perhaps you
should attempt to access that part of your psyche.
- Data, ST:TNG
|
| They're contaminating our good criminals.
- Prison official on the disruptive influence the "Freemen"
prisoners are having on the other prisoners.
|
| Think of it as 72 pounds of plutonium that's not on Earth anymore.
- Tom Bopp, co-discoverer of comet Hale-Bopp, on the controversy
over the Cassini space probe and its plutonium fuel supply
|
| I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving. |
| If a cow ever has a thought, it'll have one looking at that.
- founder of "The Burning Man" referring to the only item
left behind, a 30' tall arch sculpture made of cow bones.
|
| Everyone lies, but it doesn't matter. Nobody listens. |
| "Hey, is there a back door to this place?"
"Yeah, it's in the back." - Marty & the bartender in Back to the Future III
|
| I'd hate to be in your shoes when you die.
- letter to Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes
|
| I never gave anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
- Harry Truman
|
| The US and Russian militaries' unwritten rule: Do not fire on UFO's.
- "UFO" on the Discovery Channel
|
| Sonny Bono's view on illegal immigration in California: "What's to say? It's illegal." |
| It's fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney
|
| Intellectual - someone who has been educated beyond his/her intelligence.
- Arthur C. Clarke
|
| Disney's the job that'll make you smile from 9 to 5.
- Disney recruiting radio commercial
|
| Have you never heard the word "compromization" ?!!
- Ginger Spice, Spice World
|
| "There is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
"Yeah, right." |
| I'm not gonna' stir her up on accounta' she'll just kill me.
- Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin referring to the mother
crocodile guarding her eggs that he's standing next to
|
| Why pay for cologne when mustard is free?
- Philbert, Rocko's Modern Life
|
| Is imitation chicken cheaper than real crab?
- Rick Boza
|
| Gee, be careful, that's where I keep my pipe bombs.
- passenger to flight attendant as she stows his carry
on in the overhead compartment. Then he went to jail.
|
| Long before that, the Earth would be submerged beneath a sphere of
rabbits expanding faster than light.
- I. Stewart explaining a subtle flaw in Fibonacci's prediction
that a breeding pair of rabbits, if left to their own devices, could generate
a volume of rabbits greater than the known universe in 114 generations.
|
| Trust, but verify.
- Rick Boza
|
| When two planes almost collide, they call it a "near miss". It's
a near hit! A collision is a "near miss"!
*BOOM*
"Look, they nearly missed."
- George Carlin
|
| Actress: What's my motivation?
Director: A paycheck. |
| 3.0x108 m/s -- it's not just a good idea. It's the law. |
| To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
- Carl Sagan
|
| These are my principles, and if you don't like them, I have others.
- Groucho Marx
|
| I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Stephen Wright
|
| Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. |
| I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma.
- The Wizard of Oz
|
| Orlando is smaller than the state.
- Robin Guess, Orlando Channel 6 reporter
|
| Thank you for calling BellSouth. To route your call correctly, press 1. |
| What you know is not as important as who you know. But what you know about who you know is where the REAL money is. |
| Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. |
| Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman
she meets, then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.
- TV listing for "The Wizard of Oz"
|
| Cliff Notes for Physics: Things move. The rest is math. |
| Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies
the grace of Linux, which tells me they've never seen an angry penguin
charging at them in excess of 100 mph. They'd be a lot more careful about
what they say if they had.
- Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux
|
| What a good fortune for those in power that people do not think!
- Adolph Hitler
|
| There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean
level wouldn't cure.
- Ross MacDonald
|
| Black holes are where God divided by 0. |
| Under Al's leadership, Seagate has become the clear leader in disc
drives and components, with the industry's largest market share, highest
revenues, broadest product offering and technology ownership in key storage
components. [...] The time has come to make a change in the leadership
of the company.
- Seagate Board of Directors, 7/21/98
|
| Don't be humble, you're not that great. |
| Percentage of Americans who know that the Earth revolves around the
sun once a year: 49%
- 1996 National Science Foundation report
|
| Capt. Pike was correct of course, but knowing that didn't help him.
- Spock, "The Managerie", Star Trek
|
| How could we possibly use sex to get what we want? Sex
is
what we want!
- Frasier
|
| America didn't get to be the most powerful nation on Earth by asking nicely. |
| The early worm gets eaten. |
| I don't want to stop crime - I want to fight it!
- The Tick
|
| Are you wearing some unusual kind of perfume or something radioactive,
my dear?
- Dr. McCoy, "Mudd's Women", Star Trek
|
| There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know. |
| An object at rest cannot be stopped!!
- The Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight, The Tick
|
| NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezing, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. |
| There were no cell phones in Colonial times.
- AT&T Wireless radio commercial
|
| There are very few things we'll spend a billion dollars on just because
they're cool.
- John Connolly, engineer at NASA's Exploration Office,
on why there are no plans to build a moonbase.
|
| All generalizations are false. |
| The gist of the ads was mostly true.
- local candidate dismissing allegations of slander from
his opponent
|
| 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. |
| Are you apologizing for something you didn't do? You must have
a girlfriend.
- "JES"
|
| Half the people you know are below average. |
| NO MORE "BLAH BLAH BLAH"!!!
- Kirk, "Miri", Star Trek
|
| Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier if it's frozen. |
| All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- Steven Wright
|
| Impeachment is an alternative to assassination.
- Benjamin Franklin
|
| Those who keep their feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on their pants. |
| Some call it laziness, I call it deep thought. |
| For 9 minutes, all that stood between the US and annihilation was one
man with a drinking problem.
- On Jan 25, 1995, a Norwegian weather rocket was an unknown
track on Russian radar. Pres. Boris Yeltsin, with his finger literally
on the nuclear button, decided to wait to see where the missile was going.
It went north and away from Russia. "On the Brink", The Learning
Channel
|
| Smoking areas in restaurants are like peeing areas in swimming pools. |
| Celibacy is not hereditary. |
| Cleavage: something you can approve of and look down on at the same time. |
| And use your hands before your head hits!
- gymnastics coach to student
|
| I like to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
- Arthur O. Sulzberger, publisher, New York Times
|
| A picture is worth a thousand words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of a thousand words can be adequately described with pictures. |
| The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry
King Live"
|
| [Thankfully] Detroit doesn't send us beta cars and ask us to crash-test
them.
- Jeffrey Tarter, newsletter editor
|
| I'd never want to join a club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
|
| There they go. I must follow them. I am their leader.
- Gandhi
|
| Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either! |
| I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have
to.
- Elvis Presley
|
| I like to buy [stock in] a business any fool can run because eventually
one will.
- Peter Lynch
|
| Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. |
| Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Dwight Eisenhower
|
| Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- Einstein
|
| If you can't convince them, confuse them. |
| There are more pleasant things to do than beat up people.
- Muhammad Ali explaining his decision to retire
|
| ALL EXTREMISTS MUST DIE!!! |
| A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item she doesn't want.
- Wal-Mart's chairman in US News (1/9/95) on the nature
of Christmas shopping
|
| Extreme open-mindedness is merely empty-mindedness.
- "BFH"
|
| It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once. |
| Red or Green?
- Official state question of New Mexico, starting 7/1/99
(salsa)
|
| Poker is a game of chance, but not the way I play it.
- W. C. Fields
|
| "BFH": How did you know that?
BDB : I'm omniscient. "BFH": Do you even know what that means?! BDB :"BFH" - I'm omniscient - of course I know what it means! |
| We should be able to debug DNA just as we do software programs.
- Bill Gates
|
| The dinosaurs became extinct because they didn't have a space program.
- Arthur C. Clark
|
| Many shubs and zuhls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of
the slore that day, I can tell you!
- The Key Master, Ghostbusters
|
| Heisenberg may have slept here. |
| All temporary changes are permanent until altered. |
| If the human brain were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple
to understand it.
-Peter Kramer, co-developer of Prozac, "Listening to Prozac"
|
| In political conflicts, the goal is not to refute your opponent’s argument,
but to wipe him from the face of the earth.
- Lenin
|
| The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. |
| No one is completely useless - they can serve as a bad example. |
| You’re gouging on your prices if you charge more than the rest.
But it’s unfair competition if you think you can charge less. A second point that we would make to help avoid confusion: Don’t try to charge the same amount -- that would be collusion! You must compete. But not too much, for if you do, you see, Then the market would be yours -- and that’s monopoly! - "Tom Smith and His Incredible Bread Machine", R. W.
Grant
|
| This space unintentionally left blank. |
| If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? |
| Only use moderation in moderation. |
| When you put lazy and smart together, you have a powerful combination.
- "Qwibnar"
|
| Not even ASC+T can suspend the normal laws of physics. Any consequences
arising from traction loss due to excessive vehicle speed remain the responsibility
of the driver.
- Owner's Manual, 1998 BMW Z3
|
| Placing a computer network in every cell may seem like slicing butter
with a chain saw, but having a chain saw available does provide assurance
that even hard butter can be sliced.
- K. Eric Drexler, Engines of Creation, The Coming Era
of Nanotechnology
|
| Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. |
| That that is, is. |
| Reporter : What's the worst thing about
being your age?
Andy Rooney: That you're gonna' die. Jesus, that's a stupid question! |
| It was a widely believed fact!
- Fry, Futurama
|
| When anyone says "theoretically," they really mean "not really."
- David Parnas
|
| Never eat more than you can lift.
- Miss Piggy
|
| Most gadgets expire or explode as I touch them.
- Desmond Llewelyn, explaining the difference between
himself and the 'Q' character he protrayed in 17 James Bond films
|
| It's a teeny tiny brain chip that's inserted. [...] It will be very
non-invasive.
- Faith Popcorn, founder of BrainReserve, a futurist marketing
consultancy, 1/2/00
|
| We're looking for people who are looking for a serious marriage.
- producers of TV show "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?",
where the groom's identity will not be revealed until the actual marriage
|
| 100% of qualified applicants are approved!
- car dealership radio commercial
|
| That's a great plan Moltar, but if we could get to the beach, we wouldn't
have to be metal plated!
- Space Ghost, Space Ghost Coast to Coast
|
| My job while we're filming is to make sure the camera crew stays alive.
- Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter
|
| Live now, because now will never come again. |
| There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
- Salvador Dali
|
| I felt the effects immediately.
- Heather Perry, describing her success in relieving her
chronic fatigue by drilling a 2cm hole in her skull
|
| Always borrow from a pessimist; he never expects to get it back.
- Paulette
|
| The market can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.
- John Maynard Keynes
|
| It's not good to have roaches in your ears.
- emergency room physician, "Trauma:Life in the ER", The
Learning Channel
|
| They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
- The last words of General John Sedgwick, a union commander
in the Civil War, who, in 1864, was shot at the Battle of Spotsylvania
Courthouse, Virginia, while looking over a wall at the enemy lines.
|
| I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to
achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen
|
| In America, anyone can become President. That's one of the risks
you take.
- Adlai Stevenson
|
| EARTH FIRST! Will mine other planets later. |
| Happy Premise #1: There are no aliens.
Happy Premise #2: There is no giant foot trying to squash me. Happy Premise #3: Even though I feel like I might ignite - I prob'ly won't. - Kit Ramsey, "Bowfinger"
|
| A man is hundreds of times more likely to suffer a heart attack between
the time he buys the ticket and the drawing than he is to win the jackpot.
- John Allen Paulos, Temple University math professor,
describing the odds of winning The Big Game, a 7 state lottery, as the
jackpot was exceeding $325M
|
| My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough
about what's really going on to be scared.
- P. J. Plauger
|
| Winners never quit and quitters get thrown into the fiery pit of death! |
| Dominoes.
- What Bernard Shaw answered when asked what he wanted
a particular restaurant band to play next.
|
| Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall
and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base!
This is a terrible thing for the Padres.
- Jerry Coleman, Padres broadcast announcer, attempting
to tell radio listeners about a fly ball
|
| Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march
of science, 1949
|
| If you sit down to a game of poker and you can't spot the patsy, you're the patsy. |
| Kirk: You oughta' sell an instruction and maintenance
manual with this thing.
Jones: If I did, what would happen to man's search for knowledge? - Star Trek, "The Trouble With Tribbles"
|
| Free car. Requires the purchase of 4 wheels for $5,000 each.
- magazine auto ad
|
| It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling
exception, is composed of others.
- John Andrew Holmes
|
| If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak
up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
- Gervase quotes his granddaddy, "Survivor"
|
| I put some chicken in, to beef it up.
- "Amy", making a "just add meat" frozen stir fry dinner
|
| Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to "occupant." |
| When you stop to think, don't forget to start again. |
| People always say, "Oh, money can't make you happy," but if you're
already happy, money can make you happier.
- Jay Leno
|
| And just what are the commercial possibilities of bovine aviation? |
| It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
- Calvin, Calvin and Hobbes
|
| The first rule of Italian driving [rips rear view mirror from the dash]:
what's behind me is not important.
- Franco, The Gumball Rally
|
| BDB: Getting there's half the fun.
Daughter: Not if you're not going fast! |
| PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals |
| Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!
- Professor Farnsworth, Futurama
|
| Time is that which is measured by a clock.
- Albert Einstein
|
| "Karaoke" is Japanese for "tonedeaf." |
| My plan is so simple an idiot could have designed it.
- Capt. Zap Brannigan, Futurama
|
| Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. |
| On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to
zero.
- Narrator, Fight Club
|
| If you'll remove my late [payment] fee, I'll bear your children.
- customer on a call to her credit card company
|
| Voters decide nothing; people who count votes decide everything.
- Stalin
|
| Everything that can be invented has been invented.
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents,
1899
|
| He had difficulty flagging down a vehicle to take him home.
- Express K Daily, 12/8/0, newspaper in Kazakhstan, describing
a man returning home after being electrocuted and buried naked in a shallow
grave for two days.
|
| My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and
it was the law.
- Jerry Seinfeld
|
| I give the gift no one ever returns: money.
- "Chas"
|
| Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into
an open manhole and die.
- Mel Brooks
|
| Saving the whales so our children's children will know what they taste like. |
| In America alone, I estimate 10 trillion mouse clicks have been wasted
on computer solitaire.
- David G. Stork, chief scientist of Ricoh Silicon Valley
|
| What the American people don't know is what makes them the American
people.
- Tire King Ray Zalinsky, "Tommy Boy"
|
| If I wanted you to know what I'm thinking, I'd be talking.
- Al Bundy, Married With Children
|
| Is it reproducible? I sure hope so.
- Dr. Stuart Meloy, on his accidental discovery that a
device used to treat back pain can cause spontaneous orgasms.
|
| Stop plate tectonics! |
| The best way to be successful is to get up early, work hard, and strike
oil.
- J. Paul Getty
|
| The biggest problem with being the inventor of the time machine is
that people keep going back and stealing my idea.
- Ethan James
|
| We're number one. All others are number 2 or lower.
- The Phoenix, Mystery Men
|
| Political correctness means always having to say you're sorry. |
| Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else. |
| I don't like having disks crammed inside me! Unless they're
Oreos. And then only in the mouth.
- Frye, Futurama
|
| Life is like an analogy. |
| They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
- Janet Reno, US Attorney General
[Clinton administration] |
| Only the mediocre are always at their best. |
| Chopped cabbage - it's not just a good idea... it's the slaw. |
| Politics is showbiz for the ugly. |
| I hope that someday you will know the indescribable joy of having children,
and of paying someone else to raise them.
- Gomez to Fester, "Addams Family Values"
|
| The whole point of this sentence is to make clear what the whole point of this sentence is. |
| I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find
out what they want and then advise them to do it.
- Harry Truman
|
| Naming your children is the last legal form of child abuse. |
| Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
- Russian proverb
|
| It's later than you think. |
| Artificial Intelligence is the science of getting machines to do what they do in the movies. |
| I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. |
| A Zen master once said to me "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.
- Steven Wright
|
| ...[yielding] savings in public health care costs and state pensions
due to early mortality of smokers.
- cigarette manufacturer Philip Morris detailing the "indirect positive
effects" of smoking to the government of the Czech Republic, July, 2001
|
| A word to the wise is......unnecessary. |
| Some are discovered; others are found out. |
| It would be very unlikely for unlikely events not to occur.
- J. A. Paulos "Innumeracy"
|
| It's not a meal if it ain't got meat.
- me
|
| It was a sort of sick excitement ...
- Holly Viola, a passerby, describing what emotions she felt when she saw
a suicidal woman jump from a bridge in Seattle, Washington
|
| Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke
|
| We've got a blind date with destiny - and it looks like she's ordered
the lobster.
- The Shoveler, Mystery Men
|
| What I love about action figures is that you get to play with yourself
in public.
- Ethan Phillips, "Neelix," Star Trek:Voyager
|
| I'm not gonna' fire a $2 million missile at a $10 empty tent and hit
a camel in the butt.
- Pres. George W. Bush, 9/13/1
|
| No! Then I wouldn't get me no more money!
- 23 year old welfare recipient answering whether if,
after the birth of this,
her 11th child, she would have her tubes tied. |
| The wholesome snack that smiles at you until you bite their heads off.
- "Our Jingle for Goldfish", Pepperidge Farms "Goldfish"
commercial
|
| No one would believe nice guy O.J. Simpson as such a cold blooded killer.
- James Cameron, 1984, on his decision not to cast O.J.
as The Terminator
|
| They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Benjamin Franklin
|
| Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. |
| Necessity is a mother... |
| It's appropriate to allow people to do e-mail [during portions of meetings
that don't involve them].
- Bill Gates, Oct. 2001
|
| I the c you a? Do I like them?
- best competitor in the 2001 Loebner Prize for computer intelligence when
asked "Do you like humans?"
|
| I'm a machine and I think.
- Marvin Minsky, head of artificial intelligence research
at MIT when asked if he thought machines would ever be able to think.
|
| "Which U.S. President wrote nearly 30 books, including 'Theodore Roosevelt:
An Autobiography'?"
"... ... ... Herbert Hoover" - winning contestant, "The Weakest Link"
|
| They've been treating these chimpanzees less than human.
- New Mexico Senator Mary Jane Garcia
|
| A friend is a gift you give yourself. |
| I think dreams are your brain defragging itself.
- Don Cross
|
| Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?
It is because we are not the person involved.
- Mark Twain
|
| It was an accident.
- Clara Harris explaining to he media how here affair-having
husband ended up underneath her parked car after she ran over him three
times, Aug 2002
|
